Theories 2: Lord of the Rings
by The-Dove
Summary: The fellowship find some slash fanfiction... about themselves. Frodo/Elrond?! Almost every other pairing is mentioned.


Title: Theories: Lord of the Rings Edition  
  
Author: The Dove  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Genre: Parody/Romance  
  
Pairings: Frodo/Elrond, with implied Frodo/Everyone, Legolas/Gimli, Aragorn/Boromir, Gandalf/Saruman, Merry/Pippin, Boromir/Arwen. you name it.  
  
Distribution: Why would one such as yourself ever want to post this story elsewhere? If you intend to MST it, let me know, please, where you're posting it. I love MST's. even if they're about my own stories. Not that anyone's ever seen fit to MST one of my stories, but still.  
  
Summary: Stories of the Fellowship begin to turn up around Middle- Earth. so naturally, the subjects themselves, annoyed at such writings, decide to do a bit of reading.  
  
Disclaimer: I am not Tolkien, nor any of his kin. So, therefore, I do not own the wonderful Middle-Earth. I just buy tomato's there.  
  
Authors Note: I know how completely stupid and incomprehensible this is. But, I hope that the language of the Fellowship is at least a bit like Mr. Tolkien's.  
Theories: Lord of the Rings  
  
Elrond prided himself on being sensible, if a little standoffish towards new developments. That's why, when stories of the Fellowship began turning up randomly he found himself in the library to investigate.  
  
Already there, however, were the nine members of the fellowship, crowded around a large marble table, with stacks of the stories before them. The little hobbits were standing on the chairs to be seen over the piles.  
  
He stood leaning against the doorframe and watched the group of people closely.  
  
"Eurgh!" The cry of disgust came from the ringbearer himself, large blue eyes blinking rapidly. He flung the piece of paper onto a very small stack compiled on the floor.  
  
"What is wrong, Frodo?" Aragorn looked at his small friend in concern. Unable to speak, the hobbits lip trembled as he pointed at himself then Aragorn and made a rather obscene gesture with both hands.  
  
Boromir chuckled quietly, but turned the deep throaty noises into coughs when he saw the way that both Frodo and the king were glaring at him. The man from Gondor shrugged and Aragorn returned his attentions to Frodo.  
  
"Oh." He said calmly. Then, as the realization of it hit, "Eurgh!"  
  
Across the table, Gimli snorted rather loudly. Gandalf grinned evilly. "If you think that is humorous, Master Dwarf, wait until you have the misfortune of reading the ones about Legolas and you!" At the looks of outright horror from both Elf and Dwarf, he laughed aloud in joyous tones.  
  
"I'm afraid that's not the least of it, Mr. Gandalf, sir." began Sam, grinning cheerfully at Frodo, who was looking mortified. "You and Mr. Frodo seem to have quite a few stories yourselves. Of course-"  
  
"How about you and Saruman the Deceiver?" Legolas interrupted. Gandalf made a faint gagging sound and shook his head vehemently.  
  
Just then, a strangled cry came from Merry as he flung a piece of paper to the ground. He jumped onto the small scrap and began to jump on it, swearing quite viscously.  
  
"That. Never. Happened!" He punctuated each syllable with a jump, ending it by grinding his heel into the piece of paper.  
  
Pippin raised an eyebrow. "Now, Mer, wha' did t'at lil' piece o' paper ever do ta you?" Merry shivered and his friend reached down and grabbed the now tattered paper. He read silently for a few minutes as the rest of the fellowship looked on expectantly. "Ah. Well, if t'at ever did happen, I would've definitely responded like t'at."  
  
"Let us be sure never to read that." Sam conceded wisely. The others nodded quickly.  
  
"By the Valar!" Aragorn whispered. "I have found another one!"  
  
Gimli once again looked sick. "What terrible illness besets these authors? Can they not see that none of us harbor such feelings for our friends?" The others shrugged in bemusement. "It seems that their favorites seem to be Sam and Frodo, here. They're quite fond of Merry and little Pippin also, to be truthful."  
  
Frodo giggled, clasping his hands over his mouth. Legolas raised an eyebrow. "Well, do they not know that Merry, Pippin, and I are related?" He smiled as everyone else shuddered in disgust.  
  
In the doorway, Elrond pinched the bridge of his nose, tuning out the conversation. until he heard his own name being said.  
  
"Look at this, Gandalf!" Frodo cried happily. Elrond smiled at the still innocent tone of laughter in the young hobbits voice. "This one is about Elrond!" Then he turned back to the paper for a moment, his smile slowly draining away with all the color in his face. "Oh."  
  
"What is it, Frodo?" Legolas asked in concern.  
  
"It's about Elrond and." A small squeaking noise emitted his throat and the others looked at him strangely. "Its about Elrond and I!"  
  
Elrond stifled a gasp of surprise, along with everyone else.  
  
"Why, that is more than a little queer*." Aragorn muttered, shaking his head. "You and Elrond?" His shoulders quivered with suppressed laughter.  
  
Frodo blushed and shrugged innocently. "At least he's pretty." Everyone, including the healer himself, froze and looked at the Ringbearer in bemusement. "What? He is!" The hobbit said defensively. "Is it wrong to call someone beautiful? The Elven kind is frequently referred to in such a manner. Why is it any different with me?"  
  
Sam patted his Master comfortingly on the shoulder and the other hobbit calmed down considerably.  
  
Aragorn shook himself and spoke again. "Have none of them ever heard of Arwen?" Gimli chuckled.  
  
Boromir shrugged and Legolas exclaimed in surprise, "Ai! Look at this foulness! I have just found a piece on Boromir and I!"  
  
"Oh!" Pippin squealed loudly. Elrond jumped along with the rest. "Here's one that is about Aragorn and Frodo!"  
  
Elrond pursed his lips together, feeling an annoyance he didn't really want to explain. Frodo turned bright red, along with Aragorn. "By the Valar." Gandalf murmured. "Here, I have found one about you and. and Gollum."  
  
Elrond couldn't hold back a loud guffaw of laughter. The chuckles overcame the Elf-Lord and he bent over so far that he was almost eye- level with the sitting hobbits.  
  
Wiping his eyes in embarrassment, he cleared his throat and stood back up. "I apologize for behaving so. I just find it rather entertaining that these scribes seem determined to place Frodo in horrible situations with nearly every living being he's come into contact with!"  
  
Frodo's lips quirked into a sweet smile and the elf allowed himself to pat his friend on the shoulder in reassurance.  
  
The others got over their shock quickly however (except for Aragorn, who was watching them curiously, and Legolas and Gandalf who were above such behavior), and were now hissing things such as, "My precioussss." and "I love my precioussss."  
  
Frodo glared at them as Gandalf collapsed in what looked like an epileptic fit but was, in all truth, just laughter. Elrond pursed his lips together again and held up a hand. "I believe that's enough."  
  
Legolas raised his eyebrows in surprise and Aragorn looked at his foster father questioningly.  
Elrond could feel a pink tinge to his cheeks as Frodo looked up at him gratefully, before hugging the elf around the nearest leg. His head barely went past the Elven Lord's hip. Elrond placed a delicate hand upon the Hobbit's head and stroked the soft, curly hair there, letting a small smile cross his features.  
  
A few feet away, Boromir snickered. Sam quickly slapped him on the thigh, and when the man looked down at him in annoyance, smiled sweetly. Gandalf chuckled again.  
  
Elrond abruptly disentangled himself from the hobbit, and sat down at a spare chair at the table and pulled a random sheet of paper from the stack in an attempt to regain dignity by drawing the Fellowship's attention to the writings.  
  
He began to read and the others soon resumed their former positions.  
  
"No!" gasped Gimli in shock. "Not. Boromir and Arwen!"  
  
Aragorn stood up and screamed, "Yes!" Pumping his fist up high. As everyone studied him strangely (except for Elrond, who was glaring), he grinned. "Do you not know what this means? Not all of these writers think that I, and the rest of you, are in love with one another!"  
  
Gimli cleared his throat. "Then I apologize thusly to report that you are involved with young Baggins in this one."  
  
Frodo made another queer squeaking sound and pushed back his chair. "Why must they pick on me!?"  
  
"I fear that it is the eyes, my friend." Legolas said grimly, shaking his head. "It is the eyes."  
  
Elrond nodded in agreement, studiously avoiding Gandalf's pointed glance.  
End. I think.  
*I just couldn't resist that little jab. It was too good to resist, really.  
So, hate it? Love it? Angry Slasher who is not aware that I am such a being too? Want to cut my head off and stick it on a pole in the ground? Let me know at: ChicksWithFlamingSpatulas@msn.com 


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